In other words, it doesn’t matter so much if Mom or Dad actually have a favorite. With Leah, the wife he didn’t love, Jacob had many sons; with the wife he did love, Rachel, he had a special son, Joseph. Hold yourself in check to ensure that you’re not falling into the trap of being focused on the oldest or the youngest in such a way that your other kids feel less-than. Playing favorites is not something new. It’s natural to feel hurt, resentful, or guilty if your parents play favorites. We try really hard to avoid labels like ‘the smart one’ or ‘the athletic one.’ If you’re not the favored child, the concern might be that you’ve been pigeonholed as the more difficult child.”, She added, “I think kids who get the sense that they’re less favored are more likely to act out, especially as they enter their teens. Strive to be objective in discipline; parent/stepparent discussions can help to balance decisions. To make matters worse, parents are even more likely to play favorites once their children are grown up, sustaining the toxic family dynamics (e.g., bad feelings, sibling resentment). We have mom life tips for family finances, work-life balance, and organizing your home. If that’s what they’re feeling, it’s coming from somewhere and it’s their perspective. The problem is that a perception of being the least favorite child can take a definite hit on a kid’s self-esteem, Dr. Shelly Vaziri Flais, pediatrician and mother of four explained. “We live in a society where everyone lives all over the country, and you can create a new ‘family’ if you had a less-than-desirable experience in the family you were born into,” she said. Many parents who played favorites with their young children continue to do so after the kids grow up. I try to listen objectively but it is very difficult. You may also elect to take the lead on planning situations in which you will see these family members so that you can better control your comfort level by accounting for things like location, time, who will be there, length of the visit, etc. Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Let your child know that you've seen signs of favoritism as well. Tell us! Often the first and oldest child sets that standard. Just because it’s a long-standing habit doesn’t make your parents’ favoritism right. Kids read between the lines of our communication and may interpret your words to mean something more than they do. Our website services, content, and products are for informational purposes only. The children who follow are held accountable to emulate a situation that no longer exists in the family. By clicking the "Sign up" button, you agree to receive email updates from FamilyLife and agree to FamilyLife’s, Developing a Relationship with Stepchildren, Go Back To All Working as a Team Articles, Happily Married? By handling the situation with maturity, though, you can avoid letting it poison your family relationships and self-esteem. Subscribe for help where you need it most, we’re here for you! Sometimes friction is caused by the very traits in the adult that are present in the child. © 2005-2020 Healthline Media a Red Ventures Company. In this particular episode, the family is in group therapy and the oldest sibling confronts his mom with the charge of loving his brother more. Some kids require more correction than others. If you have questions about products, donations, registrations, etc., complete this form or call: 1-800-358-6329, Monday-Friday 8am-6pm (CST). They wanted Joseph gone—dead, if necessary—and they set out to kill him. Next, assess the relative/s who are "playing favorites" for significant psychological wounds.If they are GWCs, they may be shame-based or fear-based, and be distorting reality without knowing it. Time. This may better help you appreciate the good things all members of your family bring into the group. In addition, growing up as the favored child can place a heavy burden of expectations on you. Work hard to see what’s special about where each of your children are in their growth and maturity. Healthy families encourage their children's unique giftedness, and they practice love, acceptance, and forgiveness. Daily ideas, insight and updates to inspire you to love your family well. When things calm down, it’s good to listen to what your child is trying to tell you.”. They may deny the charge of favoritism, in which case you should thank them for listening and let the matter drop. A loving relationship can be an oasis in uncertain times, but nurturing it requires attention, honesty, openness, vulnerability, and gratitude. Remember that your parent's approval or lack thereof does not define your success. Choose among these options to relate to wounded parents and other kinfolk.. Plan a respectful two-part confrontation with each relative who seems to be playing favorites. And tension between siblings seems to increase when a favored child is in the mix. Instead, alternate your outings over time with different combinations of kids. You may find it unfair that they bought your sibling a house, for instance, but maybe they would have felt guilty if they hadn’t given their least financially successful child a helping hand. Perhaps they could use a one-on-one day, where you make an effort to engage in shared interests with them.
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